"Grey" Part 2
May. 25th, 2011 12:06 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
melodytreePart 1
In Ba Sing Se they meet an Earthbending master. He is strong and cocky and Kyoshi doesn't remember his name. That might be partially because she only meets him a few times. The first time she beats him in a duel. He shakes his head as he climbs out of a pile of rocks. "Where on earth did you find her? Who taught you?"
"I taught myself," Kyoshi says, shrugging, checking her fans for damage and trying to ignore the bruises forming. She's had worse.
"Did you now."
The second and third times she actually learns a few moves. She also learns that she could stand to build more muscle after trying to catch a too-large rock and having it nearly fall on her head anyway. After that, the man leaves for somewhere, Kyoshi doesn't know, and for the last few days in Ba Sing Se she mostly watches other people. She's never really seen other Earthbenders before, certainly not this many, and it's interesting. This person moves this way, while that person moves that way, and they usually get the same result, but not always. And are all Earthbenders so unyielding, she wonders, as more than one student nearly collapses trying to best another, or nearly gets their head taken off by refusing to move out of the way of a rock until it almost too late.
Then again, earth tends to be unyielding. Kyoshi taps the rocky ground with her heel and feels the vibrations. She wonders how all these Earthbenders would do on sand. The beaches of her home village wouldn't absorb the energy given into it - it would reflect it, cause someone's movement to work against them and lead them to slip.
One night she meets the Earth King. Kyoshi stares at the mirror in her room, glass reflection staring back, deciding. She feels tā today, not female, and a woman is what the king is expecting.
A duty to herself...
Kyoshi thinks of solid stone, and wraps her chest flat with sarashi, paints her face with war-paints and wears her armor. It's the fanciest her clothing will get, anyway, and she likes the way her reflection shimmers back and forth from one sex to the other.
The Earth King is less impressive than she expected. A short man, with an angled face and strength in his eyes, he speaks with a noble voice. Kyoshi feels almost ashamed for a moment, with her small-village accent, before she remembers that she is the Avatar and stands up straighter.
The monks leave her at the docks of a port city to return to their temple. In Kyoshi's hands is a scroll with directions from her landing port to the Firebending master that will teach her. Kyoshi distrusts the ship at first - far too much metal, it doesn't feel like earth at all. There is so much water all around, out to the horizon, and Kyoshi feels sick but not from the bobbing of the ship. The only earth is so far below the water Kyoshi could never touch it. No wonder it wasn't the Earth Kingdom to start great voyages across the waves. Kyoshi distracts herself by helping out around the ship, feeding the engines and cleaning equipment.
When she steps onto Fire Nation soil, Kyoshi sighs in happiness. Then she looks around, at the unfamiliar architecture and different-looking crowds of people and decides to go exploring. It won't hurt to start off tomorrow instead of today.
In the three days it takes Kyoshi to get to the Firebending master's school, she learns several things. First, that it is generally a good idea to order her food with the least amount of spice available. Second, that the fire flakes are quite good when not over-spiced. Third, that the highway robbers are not terribly sensible, what with deciding to assault a person capable of taking ten of them at once quite easily.
Kyoshi manages to arrive unharmed and a child greets her at the gate. "Are you miss Kyoshi?" he asks her, bouncing up and down on his feet. "Sifu Gao's been waiting for you!" Before Kyoshi can say anything, the child grabs her hand and drags her off. They pass several buildings before arriving at a large square that must be the practice grounds, because several students are sparring in one corner, several more doing drills in another, and even more watching others. An older man is watching everybody. "Sifu Gao!" the boy calls out, dropping Kyoshi's hand to go run over. "Kyoshi is here!"
The man - Gao - looks down at the child, and then up at Kyoshi. He calls to the students, tells them to take a break and get some water, before walking over to Kyoshi.
"Hello," she says, bowing. "I am Kyoshi. You must be Sifu Gao." She stops there, wondering if there is something else to say. She notices that the little boy has run off, probably to go find his friends.
The man nods. "Kyoshi, hm? I hope you don't expect that I'm going to go easy on you just because you're the Avatar."
"Of course not."
"Then's let's get you settled in and get started."
There is a small house for students staying at the school, one room for girls and one for boys. Kyoshi sets her pack down and takes a short look around the building before joining Gao outside again to get a start to her Firebending lessons. She wonders where they will start - on the ship she had tried more than once to make a small flame, but nothing had ever appeared, except for little heatwaves above her hand sometimes.
"Stand up straight!"
Kyoshi stands up straight.
"Bend your knees."
Kyoshi bends her knees until Gao stops telling her to crouch farther.
"Firebending comes from the breath. To control Firebending, you must learn to control your breathing." He leaves Kyoshi there to do breathing exercises and goes to look after his other students. It's a little relaxing, actually, like counting breaths for meditation.
After Gao has decided that she's done enough controlled breathing for the day he sends a student to give her a tour. Kitchen and dining area, Gao's office, infirmary, water pump, bathrooms, library. Kyoshi lingers among the books and scrolls for a few minutes, glancing over the titles, before letting the student take her back to the dining area.
After eating she heads back to the dorm building to unpack a little. Kyoshi starts with paper and writing materials. She should write to her parents, let them know that she has arrived safely, and perhaps she can send it tomorrow if she has time to find a post office. And a letter to Tarou, too...
The lanterns give off a pleasant warm-toned glow. Kyoshi likes the way it reflects of the ink as she dips her brush into it, and then when she waits for the ink on the paper to dry. When she finishes and folds up the letters, she looks up to see that most of the other beds are filled already.
"Hey, you're the new kid, right?" says the person next to her. "Kyoshi?"
"Yes." Kyoshi adjusts her ink-stone, lining it and the brush up neatly.
"Kind of a girly name."
"There's an author named Kyoshi, and he was a man," Kyoshi says, looking up at the other guy.
Wait.
Men and women in separate dorms...
Hm. Kyoshi has felt like a man today, and had dressed like it. Well, it probably won't matter where she sleeps.
"So what's your name?" she asks, settling back on the bedroll.
"Ming," he says. "What's someone from the Earth Kingdom doing learning Firebending over here?"
"My dad was from the Fire Nation," Kyoshi lies with a shrug. "I guess I inherited from him."
She stays up past everyone else, staring at the ceiling and not feeling that tired. Of course, it turns out that they are supposed to get up at sunrise. "Kyoshi, get up already," Ming says, poking her in the back with his foot. "You won't get any of the good food if you stay there long."
Kyoshi pulls herself out from under the covers. Suddenly she remembers that she doesn't have any binding on, but Ming's already walked off and she's wearing a loose shirt, so it's not too much trouble to go off to the bathrooms to wrap the sarashi on again.
For the next week Kyoshi does breathing exercises. She grits her teeth at the boredom and reminds herself that it's necessary, that she needs to be able to control fire as surely as she can manipulate earth. After that, Gao starts her on little exercises, controlling candle flames and such, before finally, finally, telling her to make a flame.
It's not much, hardly bigger than the candle flames, but it's a flame that she has made. In that night's letter to Tarou she has to rephrase herself three times so as not to seem over-excited.
When she's not practicing, Ming shows her around the city. He is the one to show her the post office, the markets, the alleys where people gamble and the ones where they talk. Sometimes Kyoshi goes with the other students to eat noodles at the best noodle-shop in town, but more often she slips out beyond the city to play with the earth.
Six months in, and Kyoshi thinks she really understands the nature of fire. There's a feeling that comes with Earthbending, and now that she can actually do things with Firebending, she feels something there, too, not entirely different but not the same. Gao just nods when she asks about it.
After a year Kyoshi has caught up to those who have been here for three. No one seems to have caught on to the fact that she has a female body, yet, even when she is constantly slipping off for a few days every month and washing bloody cloths out later.
"You a genius or something?" Ming asks when Kyoshi asks him to help her out with one of the forms. "You're doing it perfectly. Sure you haven't been practicing since before you came?"
Kyoshi shakes her head and Ming shrugs and shows her a more advanced trick, which she basically picks up within an hour.
"Let's go out to get something to eat," he suggests when they finish practicing for the afternoon. "This new restaurant just opened, it's not that expensive but I hear the food's real good."
There's too much spice on the noodles, but the tea is perfect, some blend of the local tea with jasmine, and the other dishes are fine. They go walking afterward, along the river, the sunset painting it shades of red and orange. Ming keeps looking at her and away, until Kyoshi finally asks, "Is something wrong?"
Ming shakes his head. "Nah. Just, I'm glad we're friends. Nice to have someone good to practice with."
Kyoshi studies for another two years before Gao runs out of things to teach her. Ming finishes up at about the same time, and after she says good-bye to the school he runs out after her. "Where are you going to go after this?" he asks as they starting walking down the street together.
"Western Air Temple," Kyoshi answers, directions and a name written on a letter in her bag. "I want to travel a bit, see the world before I go home."
"Neat. When are you leaving?"
"When I get to the port," Kyoshi says.
"So... not gonna stick around, see some of the Fire Nation?"
"I wasn't planning on it." Kyoshi turns her head slightly. "Why?"
"My house isn't that far from the coast. I just thought, maybe we could go there, I could show you around a bit..."
The ship doesn't leave for two weeks. "Sure."
Ming's hometown reminds Kyoshi of her own village. They can easily go down to the beach and play in the sand and waves, or walk along it collecting seashells and flipping horse-crabs over to their stomachs, or watch the sunset. After the sunset finishes setting they might go to a local teahouse and drink their tea by a large fountain surrounded by lanterns. It's fun.
"Hey, Kyoshi," Ming says one night when they get back from the fountain, a week into Kyoshi's stay. "What's your type?"
"Type?" Kyoshi repeats, and shrugs. "Never really thought about it." She eyes Ming. "Why?"
Ming shrugs. Kyoshi rolls her eyes and grabs Ming's shoulders to kiss him.
She's never kissed someone before, never had much interest, but this is kind of nice, actually. Ming kisses back and it's messy and a little gross, saliva going everywhere, but it feels good anyway.
"Wasn't sure if you liked guys," Ming pants when they break apart again.
"I guess I do," Kyoshi says, and kisses him again.
The next day they kiss more, just off the beach, as the sun starts to sink low in the sky. Kyoshi copies things she's see couples do, moves her lips to his neck, and it makes Ming moan and slip a hand up her shirt. His hand slides up her stomach and over the sarashi-
He jerks away a little. "Kyoshi?"
"What?" Kyoshi looks up, annoyed at the interruption.
Kyoshi can hardly feel Ming's hand below the layers of cloth. It moves slowly over her bound breasts.
"You're a girl."
"No, I'm not."
"But you have--"
"I noticed. I'm not a girl."
"Well, you're not a guy," Ming snaps, and his hand fists in the sarashi.
"No, I'm not." He won't understand, but. "I'm both, or neither, or somewhere in-between."
"I don't get it." Of course not. "And if you're not a guy, why did you sleep in our room for three years? You lied about that for three years?"
"I didn't lie!" Kyoshi sits up straighter and glares. "I never said that I was a man. I never set out to hide that I have a female body - I didn't even bind, some days, when we didn't have practice."
"I can't believe this," Ming mutters.
Kyoshi grabs his hand, still under her shirt, and pulls it out, then stands up and walks off. She goes back to Ming's house to pack, because she might as well leave.
"Wait, Kyoshi," Ming says, suddenly standing in the doorway when she's halfway packed. "Look. I didn't mean to make you angry or anything. It's not that I don't like girls too--" Kyoshi glares at that, and he hastily corrects, "or anything else, I guess, it's just. I don't understand."
"Are you willing to try?" Kyoshi asks, stilling her hands.
"Sure." Ming sits down on the bed, next to her bag. "I... I like you, you know. I'm willing to listen if you want to explain. I can't promise I'll get it, but..."
So Kyoshi does her best to explain, and if Ming still doesn't quite understand, he seems to be trying. Before they go to bed he kisses her one more time, and by tomorrow they're pretty much back to normal.
When Kyoshi says good-bye, it's at a decent time of day, this time. "So what should I say, girlfriend or boyfriend?" Ming asks with a smile over breakfast. "She, he, it?"
"Tā," says Kyoshi with a smile. "Or whatever."
Kyoshi leaves at ten in the morning, and the trip is peaceful this time, no bandits. She gets to the docks with time to spare.
The Western Air Temple is... interesting. Kyoshi has never seen up-side down statues before, or buildings carved straight out of a mountain face. The air between the two sides of the valley is filled birds and lemurs and Airbenders on their gliders. And so many women and so few men, only as visitors. It makes Kyoshi somewhat uncomfortable when she doesn't feel female
The monks give her a few days to get used to things, to the food that is so bland after the Fire Nation's spices, to the high-up air that makes her dizzy sometimes, to the layout of the temple. Kyoshi does stop short of trying to get used to yak-butter tea.
Then the training starts. One of the monks starts by showing her basic stances. Kyoshi copies them until she can move through them perfectly, and when she tries to move the air as she does so, nothing happens. Not the second time, nor the third, and by the time the monk gently suggests that they take a break, she still can't get anything to happen. "You're trying to force it too hard," the monk says gently.
Air feels like it's always slipping away. It's not solidly there, like earth, or so energetic that it forces one to feel it, like fire. Kyoshi struggles through what the monks teach her.
One day, she's playing with her fans, swishing air back and forth. Swish, swish... like playing with pebbles. Swish, swish...
Swish...
Kyoshi repeats the move again and thinks she might get it.
When she tries the move she's been trying to perfect lately, she nearly blows herself off the cliff. After that, she practices Airbending with her fans more often than not.
The monks have a glider made for her, extra long to match her height, and throwing herself off a cliff with it feels like the stupidest thing she's ever done. Perhaps it is, because she promptly crashes. Even after she masters its use, flying makes her a little uneasy, no matter how fun it is. She belongs on the ground, not in the air.
Four years of training, and Kyoshi masters Airbending. One more to go.
The Southern Water Tribe is cold, of course. Kyoshi pulls her coat tight and doesn't mind the way it hides the shape of her body.
Waterbending reminds her of air, gracefully and fluid in the same way, but more solid, a happy medium between air and earth. Her teacher reminds her of Gao, stern in the same way. The village she stays at reminds her of her home village, the way everyone seems to know each other, how it's more friendly than the main city.
She's older than most of the other students, no longer a teenager, and doesn't socialize with them so much. More often she explores the tundra or reads what news she can find. A man named Chin is expanding his influence over the Earth Kingdom, and Kyoshi can't shake the bad feeling that he won't be satisfied until he has the whole nation as his own.
She masters Waterbending in three years in-between working odd jobs. When she has finished, she asks around for an old boat about to be scrapped. With a couple of patches, it's good enough to float, and with some Waterbending it doesn't take long at all to reach the Earth Kingdom again. There she sells the boat for a few coins and starts hiking up a mountain to find the guru.
It takes her several days to get up the mountain – it's steep, and hiking it is exhausting. When Kyoshi finally sees an old man meditating by a pond, she nearly collapse in relief at not having to climb more.
The guru teaches her about the chakras, about how she has to clear them to be able to reach the Avatar state. "The first chakra is the earth chakra, at the base of the spine," he tells her, and that it is blocked by fear. Kyoshi closes her eyes and thinks. What does she fear?
Crashing into a broken heap
a flood in the village from a tsunami no one saw
Chin overtaking the entire Earth Kingdom
and Kyoshi breathes out, lets those fears go.
"I don't suppose they'll all be that easy?"
"Probably not."
The water chakra is blocked by guilt. Kyoshi doesn't hold any deep guilts, so that one also goes easily. The fire chakra is blocked by shame. "Sometimes I feel ashamed of who I am, that I can't decide one or the other," Kyoshi murmurs to herself, and pushes those feelings away.
The love chakra is blocked by grief. Grief of her family, whom she hasn't seen in a decade. But they still love her, no matter how far away. The sound chakra is blocked by lies. Lies to Ming, all the time, and even to the others, wasn't it lying by omission?
The life chakra is blocked by illusion. "The greatest illusion is the illusion of separation. Things one thinks of a separate are actually the same. Even the four elements are just different forms of energy, if you are willing to look." Kyoshi thinks of that feeling she gets from any bending, and nods.
"The illusion that men and women are separate," she adds. "We speak about them as opposites, but the truth is that they aren't completely different, aren't they?"
The guru gives her a look and nods.
The final chakra is the chakra of thought. It is blocked by earthly attachment. "What attaches you to this world?" the guru asks, and Kyoshi thinks.
"My brother. Ming." They make her happy, even their letters, more than almost anything...
"You need to learn to let them go."
This is the hardest chakra to unlock. Kyoshi meditates for hours before she feels that she has entirely let them go, and opens her eyes to a world of starlight. Below her, an aurora like she would see during her time in the south, above her, the Avatar Spirit, and Kyoshi walks forward. Knowledge rushes over her in a wave of pure cosmic energy.
"Very good," the guru tells her when she returns to the world of the living. "There is only one more task for you – you should learn how to meditate and enter the Spirit World, so that you may meet your past lives. If you are ever in trouble, you can ask them for their wisdom."
Meditation is easy enough, entering the Spirit World slightly trickier. Kyoshi still isn't sure how she got through when she finds herself standing in a muddy swamp after staring at a wall painting for what felt like hours.
"Hello?" she calls, taking a step through the sludge. No one answers. "Hello? Is anyone there?"
"Hello there," a voice says from behind. Kyoshi turns to see a man in Water Tribe garb standing on the water. "It's nice to finally meet you, Kyoshi. I am Avatar Kuruk."
They perch on a giant tree root to talk. Kyoshi shakes the mud out of her boots while Kuruk talks. "Learn from my mistake, Kyoshi. I didn't take my duty seriously enough," he says. "The world was peaceful in my time, so I played and flirted... and I lost my wife because of that." He tells her the story of how Ummi died, and Kyoshi feels like she almost remembers it. "But enough about me. You have anything you want to ask?"
Kyoshi shakes her head. "I think I have a pretty good idea of things. Protect the world, keep harmony, don't die in the Avatar State."
"Pretty much, yeah." Kuruk conjures a tea set out of nowhere and offers her a cup. "We might as well talk a bit while you're here, get to know each other a bit. "
Kyoshi accepts the tea and conversation.
After she returns, Kyoshi spends a few more days with the guru before leaving. She sends three letters as soon as she finds a post office, one for her brother, one for her parents, and one for Ming. She drifts her way back to her hometown, stopping to settle small disputes along the way. It isn't so difficult as she might have thought, but most people don't seem to want to argue when a tall master Bender with armor and warrior paint is staring at them. Kyoshi finds that she enjoys the masculine-woman look. It's good enough for dealing with people.
There is something sweet about finally returning home to the little village on the sea. The first person to see her is a young woman carrying a basket of vegetables who doesn't quite seem to know what to make of this stranger, but then Tarou comes out of a building and looks up to see her. "Kyoshi!" he shouts, and they meet halfway to each other to hug.
"You look great," Kyoshi tells him, and he does. There's a faint scar down the side of his cheek, but other than that he seems fine, and his time in the army has given him new muscle and a more confidant look.
"You too. Sure you didn't get any taller?" Tarou grins up at her. "Come on, Mom and Dad are practically dying to see you again."
Mother practically knocks the table over when Kyoshi comes in, she stands up so fast. Kyoshi hugs her parents and patiently answers all of their questions about her health.
"How long are you staying?" they ask.
"A few weeks."
Kyoshi insists on cooking dinner, showing off the recipes that she's learned from the other nations. Tarou swallows a large spoonful of heavily-spiced soup and Kyoshi can't help but laugh at the look on his face as he dives for water. "I told you it was hot!"
"I thought you meant temperature hot!"
Tarou and Kyoshi enjoy their vacation. They spar with each other – no Bending, just sword against fans, and they are still fairly evenly matched, with Tarou having perhaps a slight edge. Kyoshi obliges people when they ask for displays of Bending: small flames that dance over their palms, bubbles of water that absolutely delight the children, little tornadoes that made leaves dance in spirals.
A week or so later, Ming arrives.
"I missed you," he says into her shoulder, she says into his hair.
"So this is your home, huh?" Ming looks around the village. "Pretty."
Kyoshi nods, looking around, before grabbing Ming's hand. "I have something to tell you," Kyoshi says and leads Ming away from the village square.
"Well? Did you find a new boyfriend or something? I mean, I wouldn't blame you, I played around a little too, we haven't seen each other for years and letters aren't always enough-"
"I am the Avatar," Kyoshi interrupts bluntly.
"Really."
Kyoshi flicks open a fan and swings it towards the ocean, up; a wave raises itself up and crashes down again. In the opposite direction and the earth splits open. Straight up and the branch above bends up in the sudden breeze. Kyoshi flicks the fan closed and sparks dance around the metal.
"...really." Ming nods slowly. "Okay. Any other major secrets you've been holding, then?"
"My father isn't from the fire nation. I've been mastering the elements for the past seven years."
"Yeah, I kinda figured."
Ming's not exactly as she remembered him – but then, it's been seven years, and letters only carry so much. Anyway, a few days and they get along perfectly fine again. Kyoshi and Tarou and Ming sit on the beach at night, the moon making the sand glow, and talk for hours until they start to fall asleep.
"Well, I guess that does explain the changing-genders thing," Ming says. "The Avatar's been both male and female in the past, right? And if you have bits of all those past lives in you..." He trails off and shrugs. "It makes sense."
"You know about that?" Tarou asks.
"Yes, I told him," Kyoshi says, brushing her hair back. The wind tugs it out in front of her face again in a moment, and Kyoshi huffs at it in annoyance. She should cut it again.
When Tarou leaves for bed, Ming leans in to kiss her and Kyoshi leans over to meet him.
"Are you sure you can't stay longer?" Mother asks a couple of weeks later.
Kyoshi and Tarou shake their heads. "Gotta get back to duty," Tarou says.
"And I need to get started on mine," Kyoshi says.
"Thanks for letting me stay with you," Ming says.
They leave early, all of them used to rising with the sun. Kyoshi is already thinking of what to do next. She needs to take care of Chin the Conqueror, the Fire Nation and Northern Water Tribe are having disputes over who owns a set of islands on both of their borders, and the Southern Water Tribe claims that a trading ship of theirs has been sunk for no reason. But for now, there is just the road in front of her, her traveling companions, and the sun rising in the sky.
~!~
Notes: Tā is the Mandarin pronoun, which has different written forms that can differentiate sexes but is always pronounced the same. Tessen are Japanese war fans, and the art of their use is tessenjutsu. Sarashi are long strips of cloth that are wound around the torso, traditionally used by samurai to help protect from injury, and by women to bind their chests.
Kyoshi's name is written two different ways in the series: the statue of Kyoshi on Kyoshi island has 京士 on its fans, but the mural in 'Avatar Day' has 虚子. There actually is a male author who went by the pen name of Takahama Kyoshi, with the latter kanji.
In Ba Sing Se they meet an Earthbending master. He is strong and cocky and Kyoshi doesn't remember his name. That might be partially because she only meets him a few times. The first time she beats him in a duel. He shakes his head as he climbs out of a pile of rocks. "Where on earth did you find her? Who taught you?"
"I taught myself," Kyoshi says, shrugging, checking her fans for damage and trying to ignore the bruises forming. She's had worse.
"Did you now."
The second and third times she actually learns a few moves. She also learns that she could stand to build more muscle after trying to catch a too-large rock and having it nearly fall on her head anyway. After that, the man leaves for somewhere, Kyoshi doesn't know, and for the last few days in Ba Sing Se she mostly watches other people. She's never really seen other Earthbenders before, certainly not this many, and it's interesting. This person moves this way, while that person moves that way, and they usually get the same result, but not always. And are all Earthbenders so unyielding, she wonders, as more than one student nearly collapses trying to best another, or nearly gets their head taken off by refusing to move out of the way of a rock until it almost too late.
Then again, earth tends to be unyielding. Kyoshi taps the rocky ground with her heel and feels the vibrations. She wonders how all these Earthbenders would do on sand. The beaches of her home village wouldn't absorb the energy given into it - it would reflect it, cause someone's movement to work against them and lead them to slip.
One night she meets the Earth King. Kyoshi stares at the mirror in her room, glass reflection staring back, deciding. She feels tā today, not female, and a woman is what the king is expecting.
A duty to herself...
Kyoshi thinks of solid stone, and wraps her chest flat with sarashi, paints her face with war-paints and wears her armor. It's the fanciest her clothing will get, anyway, and she likes the way her reflection shimmers back and forth from one sex to the other.
The Earth King is less impressive than she expected. A short man, with an angled face and strength in his eyes, he speaks with a noble voice. Kyoshi feels almost ashamed for a moment, with her small-village accent, before she remembers that she is the Avatar and stands up straighter.
The monks leave her at the docks of a port city to return to their temple. In Kyoshi's hands is a scroll with directions from her landing port to the Firebending master that will teach her. Kyoshi distrusts the ship at first - far too much metal, it doesn't feel like earth at all. There is so much water all around, out to the horizon, and Kyoshi feels sick but not from the bobbing of the ship. The only earth is so far below the water Kyoshi could never touch it. No wonder it wasn't the Earth Kingdom to start great voyages across the waves. Kyoshi distracts herself by helping out around the ship, feeding the engines and cleaning equipment.
When she steps onto Fire Nation soil, Kyoshi sighs in happiness. Then she looks around, at the unfamiliar architecture and different-looking crowds of people and decides to go exploring. It won't hurt to start off tomorrow instead of today.
In the three days it takes Kyoshi to get to the Firebending master's school, she learns several things. First, that it is generally a good idea to order her food with the least amount of spice available. Second, that the fire flakes are quite good when not over-spiced. Third, that the highway robbers are not terribly sensible, what with deciding to assault a person capable of taking ten of them at once quite easily.
Kyoshi manages to arrive unharmed and a child greets her at the gate. "Are you miss Kyoshi?" he asks her, bouncing up and down on his feet. "Sifu Gao's been waiting for you!" Before Kyoshi can say anything, the child grabs her hand and drags her off. They pass several buildings before arriving at a large square that must be the practice grounds, because several students are sparring in one corner, several more doing drills in another, and even more watching others. An older man is watching everybody. "Sifu Gao!" the boy calls out, dropping Kyoshi's hand to go run over. "Kyoshi is here!"
The man - Gao - looks down at the child, and then up at Kyoshi. He calls to the students, tells them to take a break and get some water, before walking over to Kyoshi.
"Hello," she says, bowing. "I am Kyoshi. You must be Sifu Gao." She stops there, wondering if there is something else to say. She notices that the little boy has run off, probably to go find his friends.
The man nods. "Kyoshi, hm? I hope you don't expect that I'm going to go easy on you just because you're the Avatar."
"Of course not."
"Then's let's get you settled in and get started."
There is a small house for students staying at the school, one room for girls and one for boys. Kyoshi sets her pack down and takes a short look around the building before joining Gao outside again to get a start to her Firebending lessons. She wonders where they will start - on the ship she had tried more than once to make a small flame, but nothing had ever appeared, except for little heatwaves above her hand sometimes.
"Stand up straight!"
Kyoshi stands up straight.
"Bend your knees."
Kyoshi bends her knees until Gao stops telling her to crouch farther.
"Firebending comes from the breath. To control Firebending, you must learn to control your breathing." He leaves Kyoshi there to do breathing exercises and goes to look after his other students. It's a little relaxing, actually, like counting breaths for meditation.
After Gao has decided that she's done enough controlled breathing for the day he sends a student to give her a tour. Kitchen and dining area, Gao's office, infirmary, water pump, bathrooms, library. Kyoshi lingers among the books and scrolls for a few minutes, glancing over the titles, before letting the student take her back to the dining area.
After eating she heads back to the dorm building to unpack a little. Kyoshi starts with paper and writing materials. She should write to her parents, let them know that she has arrived safely, and perhaps she can send it tomorrow if she has time to find a post office. And a letter to Tarou, too...
The lanterns give off a pleasant warm-toned glow. Kyoshi likes the way it reflects of the ink as she dips her brush into it, and then when she waits for the ink on the paper to dry. When she finishes and folds up the letters, she looks up to see that most of the other beds are filled already.
"Hey, you're the new kid, right?" says the person next to her. "Kyoshi?"
"Yes." Kyoshi adjusts her ink-stone, lining it and the brush up neatly.
"Kind of a girly name."
"There's an author named Kyoshi, and he was a man," Kyoshi says, looking up at the other guy.
Wait.
Men and women in separate dorms...
Hm. Kyoshi has felt like a man today, and had dressed like it. Well, it probably won't matter where she sleeps.
"So what's your name?" she asks, settling back on the bedroll.
"Ming," he says. "What's someone from the Earth Kingdom doing learning Firebending over here?"
"My dad was from the Fire Nation," Kyoshi lies with a shrug. "I guess I inherited from him."
She stays up past everyone else, staring at the ceiling and not feeling that tired. Of course, it turns out that they are supposed to get up at sunrise. "Kyoshi, get up already," Ming says, poking her in the back with his foot. "You won't get any of the good food if you stay there long."
Kyoshi pulls herself out from under the covers. Suddenly she remembers that she doesn't have any binding on, but Ming's already walked off and she's wearing a loose shirt, so it's not too much trouble to go off to the bathrooms to wrap the sarashi on again.
For the next week Kyoshi does breathing exercises. She grits her teeth at the boredom and reminds herself that it's necessary, that she needs to be able to control fire as surely as she can manipulate earth. After that, Gao starts her on little exercises, controlling candle flames and such, before finally, finally, telling her to make a flame.
It's not much, hardly bigger than the candle flames, but it's a flame that she has made. In that night's letter to Tarou she has to rephrase herself three times so as not to seem over-excited.
When she's not practicing, Ming shows her around the city. He is the one to show her the post office, the markets, the alleys where people gamble and the ones where they talk. Sometimes Kyoshi goes with the other students to eat noodles at the best noodle-shop in town, but more often she slips out beyond the city to play with the earth.
Six months in, and Kyoshi thinks she really understands the nature of fire. There's a feeling that comes with Earthbending, and now that she can actually do things with Firebending, she feels something there, too, not entirely different but not the same. Gao just nods when she asks about it.
After a year Kyoshi has caught up to those who have been here for three. No one seems to have caught on to the fact that she has a female body, yet, even when she is constantly slipping off for a few days every month and washing bloody cloths out later.
"You a genius or something?" Ming asks when Kyoshi asks him to help her out with one of the forms. "You're doing it perfectly. Sure you haven't been practicing since before you came?"
Kyoshi shakes her head and Ming shrugs and shows her a more advanced trick, which she basically picks up within an hour.
"Let's go out to get something to eat," he suggests when they finish practicing for the afternoon. "This new restaurant just opened, it's not that expensive but I hear the food's real good."
There's too much spice on the noodles, but the tea is perfect, some blend of the local tea with jasmine, and the other dishes are fine. They go walking afterward, along the river, the sunset painting it shades of red and orange. Ming keeps looking at her and away, until Kyoshi finally asks, "Is something wrong?"
Ming shakes his head. "Nah. Just, I'm glad we're friends. Nice to have someone good to practice with."
Kyoshi studies for another two years before Gao runs out of things to teach her. Ming finishes up at about the same time, and after she says good-bye to the school he runs out after her. "Where are you going to go after this?" he asks as they starting walking down the street together.
"Western Air Temple," Kyoshi answers, directions and a name written on a letter in her bag. "I want to travel a bit, see the world before I go home."
"Neat. When are you leaving?"
"When I get to the port," Kyoshi says.
"So... not gonna stick around, see some of the Fire Nation?"
"I wasn't planning on it." Kyoshi turns her head slightly. "Why?"
"My house isn't that far from the coast. I just thought, maybe we could go there, I could show you around a bit..."
The ship doesn't leave for two weeks. "Sure."
Ming's hometown reminds Kyoshi of her own village. They can easily go down to the beach and play in the sand and waves, or walk along it collecting seashells and flipping horse-crabs over to their stomachs, or watch the sunset. After the sunset finishes setting they might go to a local teahouse and drink their tea by a large fountain surrounded by lanterns. It's fun.
"Hey, Kyoshi," Ming says one night when they get back from the fountain, a week into Kyoshi's stay. "What's your type?"
"Type?" Kyoshi repeats, and shrugs. "Never really thought about it." She eyes Ming. "Why?"
Ming shrugs. Kyoshi rolls her eyes and grabs Ming's shoulders to kiss him.
She's never kissed someone before, never had much interest, but this is kind of nice, actually. Ming kisses back and it's messy and a little gross, saliva going everywhere, but it feels good anyway.
"Wasn't sure if you liked guys," Ming pants when they break apart again.
"I guess I do," Kyoshi says, and kisses him again.
The next day they kiss more, just off the beach, as the sun starts to sink low in the sky. Kyoshi copies things she's see couples do, moves her lips to his neck, and it makes Ming moan and slip a hand up her shirt. His hand slides up her stomach and over the sarashi-
He jerks away a little. "Kyoshi?"
"What?" Kyoshi looks up, annoyed at the interruption.
Kyoshi can hardly feel Ming's hand below the layers of cloth. It moves slowly over her bound breasts.
"You're a girl."
"No, I'm not."
"But you have--"
"I noticed. I'm not a girl."
"Well, you're not a guy," Ming snaps, and his hand fists in the sarashi.
"No, I'm not." He won't understand, but. "I'm both, or neither, or somewhere in-between."
"I don't get it." Of course not. "And if you're not a guy, why did you sleep in our room for three years? You lied about that for three years?"
"I didn't lie!" Kyoshi sits up straighter and glares. "I never said that I was a man. I never set out to hide that I have a female body - I didn't even bind, some days, when we didn't have practice."
"I can't believe this," Ming mutters.
Kyoshi grabs his hand, still under her shirt, and pulls it out, then stands up and walks off. She goes back to Ming's house to pack, because she might as well leave.
"Wait, Kyoshi," Ming says, suddenly standing in the doorway when she's halfway packed. "Look. I didn't mean to make you angry or anything. It's not that I don't like girls too--" Kyoshi glares at that, and he hastily corrects, "or anything else, I guess, it's just. I don't understand."
"Are you willing to try?" Kyoshi asks, stilling her hands.
"Sure." Ming sits down on the bed, next to her bag. "I... I like you, you know. I'm willing to listen if you want to explain. I can't promise I'll get it, but..."
So Kyoshi does her best to explain, and if Ming still doesn't quite understand, he seems to be trying. Before they go to bed he kisses her one more time, and by tomorrow they're pretty much back to normal.
When Kyoshi says good-bye, it's at a decent time of day, this time. "So what should I say, girlfriend or boyfriend?" Ming asks with a smile over breakfast. "She, he, it?"
"Tā," says Kyoshi with a smile. "Or whatever."
Kyoshi leaves at ten in the morning, and the trip is peaceful this time, no bandits. She gets to the docks with time to spare.
The Western Air Temple is... interesting. Kyoshi has never seen up-side down statues before, or buildings carved straight out of a mountain face. The air between the two sides of the valley is filled birds and lemurs and Airbenders on their gliders. And so many women and so few men, only as visitors. It makes Kyoshi somewhat uncomfortable when she doesn't feel female
The monks give her a few days to get used to things, to the food that is so bland after the Fire Nation's spices, to the high-up air that makes her dizzy sometimes, to the layout of the temple. Kyoshi does stop short of trying to get used to yak-butter tea.
Then the training starts. One of the monks starts by showing her basic stances. Kyoshi copies them until she can move through them perfectly, and when she tries to move the air as she does so, nothing happens. Not the second time, nor the third, and by the time the monk gently suggests that they take a break, she still can't get anything to happen. "You're trying to force it too hard," the monk says gently.
Air feels like it's always slipping away. It's not solidly there, like earth, or so energetic that it forces one to feel it, like fire. Kyoshi struggles through what the monks teach her.
One day, she's playing with her fans, swishing air back and forth. Swish, swish... like playing with pebbles. Swish, swish...
Swish...
Kyoshi repeats the move again and thinks she might get it.
When she tries the move she's been trying to perfect lately, she nearly blows herself off the cliff. After that, she practices Airbending with her fans more often than not.
The monks have a glider made for her, extra long to match her height, and throwing herself off a cliff with it feels like the stupidest thing she's ever done. Perhaps it is, because she promptly crashes. Even after she masters its use, flying makes her a little uneasy, no matter how fun it is. She belongs on the ground, not in the air.
Four years of training, and Kyoshi masters Airbending. One more to go.
The Southern Water Tribe is cold, of course. Kyoshi pulls her coat tight and doesn't mind the way it hides the shape of her body.
Waterbending reminds her of air, gracefully and fluid in the same way, but more solid, a happy medium between air and earth. Her teacher reminds her of Gao, stern in the same way. The village she stays at reminds her of her home village, the way everyone seems to know each other, how it's more friendly than the main city.
She's older than most of the other students, no longer a teenager, and doesn't socialize with them so much. More often she explores the tundra or reads what news she can find. A man named Chin is expanding his influence over the Earth Kingdom, and Kyoshi can't shake the bad feeling that he won't be satisfied until he has the whole nation as his own.
She masters Waterbending in three years in-between working odd jobs. When she has finished, she asks around for an old boat about to be scrapped. With a couple of patches, it's good enough to float, and with some Waterbending it doesn't take long at all to reach the Earth Kingdom again. There she sells the boat for a few coins and starts hiking up a mountain to find the guru.
It takes her several days to get up the mountain – it's steep, and hiking it is exhausting. When Kyoshi finally sees an old man meditating by a pond, she nearly collapse in relief at not having to climb more.
The guru teaches her about the chakras, about how she has to clear them to be able to reach the Avatar state. "The first chakra is the earth chakra, at the base of the spine," he tells her, and that it is blocked by fear. Kyoshi closes her eyes and thinks. What does she fear?
Crashing into a broken heap
a flood in the village from a tsunami no one saw
Chin overtaking the entire Earth Kingdom
and Kyoshi breathes out, lets those fears go.
"I don't suppose they'll all be that easy?"
"Probably not."
The water chakra is blocked by guilt. Kyoshi doesn't hold any deep guilts, so that one also goes easily. The fire chakra is blocked by shame. "Sometimes I feel ashamed of who I am, that I can't decide one or the other," Kyoshi murmurs to herself, and pushes those feelings away.
The love chakra is blocked by grief. Grief of her family, whom she hasn't seen in a decade. But they still love her, no matter how far away. The sound chakra is blocked by lies. Lies to Ming, all the time, and even to the others, wasn't it lying by omission?
The life chakra is blocked by illusion. "The greatest illusion is the illusion of separation. Things one thinks of a separate are actually the same. Even the four elements are just different forms of energy, if you are willing to look." Kyoshi thinks of that feeling she gets from any bending, and nods.
"The illusion that men and women are separate," she adds. "We speak about them as opposites, but the truth is that they aren't completely different, aren't they?"
The guru gives her a look and nods.
The final chakra is the chakra of thought. It is blocked by earthly attachment. "What attaches you to this world?" the guru asks, and Kyoshi thinks.
"My brother. Ming." They make her happy, even their letters, more than almost anything...
"You need to learn to let them go."
This is the hardest chakra to unlock. Kyoshi meditates for hours before she feels that she has entirely let them go, and opens her eyes to a world of starlight. Below her, an aurora like she would see during her time in the south, above her, the Avatar Spirit, and Kyoshi walks forward. Knowledge rushes over her in a wave of pure cosmic energy.
"Very good," the guru tells her when she returns to the world of the living. "There is only one more task for you – you should learn how to meditate and enter the Spirit World, so that you may meet your past lives. If you are ever in trouble, you can ask them for their wisdom."
Meditation is easy enough, entering the Spirit World slightly trickier. Kyoshi still isn't sure how she got through when she finds herself standing in a muddy swamp after staring at a wall painting for what felt like hours.
"Hello?" she calls, taking a step through the sludge. No one answers. "Hello? Is anyone there?"
"Hello there," a voice says from behind. Kyoshi turns to see a man in Water Tribe garb standing on the water. "It's nice to finally meet you, Kyoshi. I am Avatar Kuruk."
They perch on a giant tree root to talk. Kyoshi shakes the mud out of her boots while Kuruk talks. "Learn from my mistake, Kyoshi. I didn't take my duty seriously enough," he says. "The world was peaceful in my time, so I played and flirted... and I lost my wife because of that." He tells her the story of how Ummi died, and Kyoshi feels like she almost remembers it. "But enough about me. You have anything you want to ask?"
Kyoshi shakes her head. "I think I have a pretty good idea of things. Protect the world, keep harmony, don't die in the Avatar State."
"Pretty much, yeah." Kuruk conjures a tea set out of nowhere and offers her a cup. "We might as well talk a bit while you're here, get to know each other a bit. "
Kyoshi accepts the tea and conversation.
After she returns, Kyoshi spends a few more days with the guru before leaving. She sends three letters as soon as she finds a post office, one for her brother, one for her parents, and one for Ming. She drifts her way back to her hometown, stopping to settle small disputes along the way. It isn't so difficult as she might have thought, but most people don't seem to want to argue when a tall master Bender with armor and warrior paint is staring at them. Kyoshi finds that she enjoys the masculine-woman look. It's good enough for dealing with people.
There is something sweet about finally returning home to the little village on the sea. The first person to see her is a young woman carrying a basket of vegetables who doesn't quite seem to know what to make of this stranger, but then Tarou comes out of a building and looks up to see her. "Kyoshi!" he shouts, and they meet halfway to each other to hug.
"You look great," Kyoshi tells him, and he does. There's a faint scar down the side of his cheek, but other than that he seems fine, and his time in the army has given him new muscle and a more confidant look.
"You too. Sure you didn't get any taller?" Tarou grins up at her. "Come on, Mom and Dad are practically dying to see you again."
Mother practically knocks the table over when Kyoshi comes in, she stands up so fast. Kyoshi hugs her parents and patiently answers all of their questions about her health.
"How long are you staying?" they ask.
"A few weeks."
Kyoshi insists on cooking dinner, showing off the recipes that she's learned from the other nations. Tarou swallows a large spoonful of heavily-spiced soup and Kyoshi can't help but laugh at the look on his face as he dives for water. "I told you it was hot!"
"I thought you meant temperature hot!"
Tarou and Kyoshi enjoy their vacation. They spar with each other – no Bending, just sword against fans, and they are still fairly evenly matched, with Tarou having perhaps a slight edge. Kyoshi obliges people when they ask for displays of Bending: small flames that dance over their palms, bubbles of water that absolutely delight the children, little tornadoes that made leaves dance in spirals.
A week or so later, Ming arrives.
"I missed you," he says into her shoulder, she says into his hair.
"So this is your home, huh?" Ming looks around the village. "Pretty."
Kyoshi nods, looking around, before grabbing Ming's hand. "I have something to tell you," Kyoshi says and leads Ming away from the village square.
"Well? Did you find a new boyfriend or something? I mean, I wouldn't blame you, I played around a little too, we haven't seen each other for years and letters aren't always enough-"
"I am the Avatar," Kyoshi interrupts bluntly.
"Really."
Kyoshi flicks open a fan and swings it towards the ocean, up; a wave raises itself up and crashes down again. In the opposite direction and the earth splits open. Straight up and the branch above bends up in the sudden breeze. Kyoshi flicks the fan closed and sparks dance around the metal.
"...really." Ming nods slowly. "Okay. Any other major secrets you've been holding, then?"
"My father isn't from the fire nation. I've been mastering the elements for the past seven years."
"Yeah, I kinda figured."
Ming's not exactly as she remembered him – but then, it's been seven years, and letters only carry so much. Anyway, a few days and they get along perfectly fine again. Kyoshi and Tarou and Ming sit on the beach at night, the moon making the sand glow, and talk for hours until they start to fall asleep.
"Well, I guess that does explain the changing-genders thing," Ming says. "The Avatar's been both male and female in the past, right? And if you have bits of all those past lives in you..." He trails off and shrugs. "It makes sense."
"You know about that?" Tarou asks.
"Yes, I told him," Kyoshi says, brushing her hair back. The wind tugs it out in front of her face again in a moment, and Kyoshi huffs at it in annoyance. She should cut it again.
When Tarou leaves for bed, Ming leans in to kiss her and Kyoshi leans over to meet him.
"Are you sure you can't stay longer?" Mother asks a couple of weeks later.
Kyoshi and Tarou shake their heads. "Gotta get back to duty," Tarou says.
"And I need to get started on mine," Kyoshi says.
"Thanks for letting me stay with you," Ming says.
They leave early, all of them used to rising with the sun. Kyoshi is already thinking of what to do next. She needs to take care of Chin the Conqueror, the Fire Nation and Northern Water Tribe are having disputes over who owns a set of islands on both of their borders, and the Southern Water Tribe claims that a trading ship of theirs has been sunk for no reason. But for now, there is just the road in front of her, her traveling companions, and the sun rising in the sky.
~!~
Notes: Tā is the Mandarin pronoun, which has different written forms that can differentiate sexes but is always pronounced the same. Tessen are Japanese war fans, and the art of their use is tessenjutsu. Sarashi are long strips of cloth that are wound around the torso, traditionally used by samurai to help protect from injury, and by women to bind their chests.
Kyoshi's name is written two different ways in the series: the statue of Kyoshi on Kyoshi island has 京士 on its fans, but the mural in 'Avatar Day' has 虚子. There actually is a male author who went by the pen name of Takahama Kyoshi, with the latter kanji.
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Date: 2011-05-28 05:34 am (UTC)Kyoshi's gender explorations are something I was a bit nervous about, so I'm glad to hear it came off well.